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I like free things.

Seaweed is free.

I’m afraid of seaweed.

OK so the task in hand is to somehow marry those three contradictions and my first foray into the wonderful world of shoreline foraging seems to have been a great success.

Naturally enough - since I don’t intend to poison myself - I did a lot of research beforehand. By research I mean a swift perusal of Wikipedia and asking ‘friends that know these things’ what I should be careful of.

I was given the following advice ….

“Don’t pick any seaweed near a sewage waste pipe.”

“Don’t harvest seaweed if it’s too far up the beach (dogs).”

“The bright green stuff that looks like spinach/lettuce is nice.'“

And so I found myself this afternoon on one of Falmouth’s beaches, enjoying the ambience, the tide out and ….. swatches of bright green seaweed everywhere. Closer inpection and it looked like spinach or lettuce. Later checking confirmed it was Ulva, Sea Lettuce of Laver. Result.

Gathered, water squeezed out, and into my pocket (mental note, always carry a plastic bag in future.)

Back home and …. what to do with it? Recipes online a bit dull.

Fried up some garlic and chopped bacon. Added the Ulva. Added to pasta and topped with a chopped boiled egg and some feta-style cheese. Topped with some Seaweed crisped up in the Air Fryer - spritzed occasionally with olive oil.

Delicious. That in-your-face smell of the sea.

Sorted.

I’ve always had a very ambivalent attitude towards food on the beach.

Perhaps if I recount the experiences I have had over the (many) years, you’ll understand where I am going with this. I think the common denominator is - it’s never quite successful.

First - let’s get Ice Cream out of the way first. OK on the prom. Watch out for seagulls which can turn a beautiful sunny day into a horror movie within seconds. Also .. and I think this was a common problem in North Wales … when the wind picks up, so does the sand. And Sand + Ice Cream is a no no.

A picnic basket - creates an appointment to eat. So any fun you might have been having making sand castles, paddling or making moats had to end, to allow the corporate family mastication to take place. Whereas now, baskets can be cornucopias of fine foods, ours consisted of sodden spam and tomato or soggy salmon sandwiches on white bread, wrapped in clingfilm to ensure maximum disintegration. Not good.

In the seventies, my mother discovered Tupperware by post. I recall we had a set of stackable trays, which could be prefilled with … cold roast chicken pieces and salad (which in those days was tomato, cucumber, egg, onion and lettuce. Perhaps a dab of salad cream if you were lucky.) OK in principle, but they became a spectacle to passers by. So what should have been a relaxed eating event, became a performance or worse, a comedy show.

Later came barbecues. Sand problem again unless you erect a wind break. But also the danger of smoking out the other beach revellers. You could make yourself very unpopular indeed.

More recently, I’ve favoured a more rustic arrangement with some doorstep bread, selection of cheeses and meats, crisps… and perhaps a cheeky glass of wine or beer. Then a nap.

And then there’s CAKE.

OK so … a very pleasant amble to Castle Beach in Falmouth to soak up the Autumnal bonus sunshine. I stopped for a coffee… and was faced with a very tempting array of cakes.

I’m just note sure Cakes and Beaches go together. But i can’t put my finger on why not. These days I eat cakes in every dwindling amounts. Not because I don’t like them, but more because a ‘couldn’t eat a whole one’ regulator kicks in. I did buy a piece of Polenta Cake… but I took it home and am eating it in stages. If I had eaten it there and then, I fear I would have just found a place to bask, on the rocks, and would have felt full, fallen asleep and woken to find my shoes floating off into the Atlantic.

That’s not the feeling I want on the beach these days. I want to feel enlivened inhaling copious amounts of ozone, feeling the sand between my toes, and generally feeling all is well with the world.

Discuss.